To All The Boys I Fucked Before

Consent is key folks

I don’t know what inspired me
To reply to
Hey Baby
But I guess I was really bored when you called
Within a week we’d agreed to meet
Had to be somewhere public
Chose the Christmas markets
Could have been romantic
Only halfway there I realised I didn’t actually know your name
Hoped I’d figure it out somehow along the way
And when our eyes met that didn’t seem to matter
Our connection was
Instantaneous
I don’t know if it was the cold winter breeze in the air that night or the way the Christmas lights danced above our heads but our chemistry was
Undeniable
And so we talked
And drank
And laughed
And danced
And kissed
And in what felt like a blink of an eye
I was sat on your bed
Your hand halfway up my top
When I stopped and blushed and bit my lip and said
“I don’t usually do this sort of thing”
This wasn’t true
But I’d been taught to lie to boys like you and always protect my virtue
As for the rest of the details
Well a gentleman never tells
Safe to say you became my warning story
The first fuckboy I ever encountered
A few months worth of mistakes that me and my friends would laugh about even half a decade later
But even half a decade later
You were on my mind
Wonder why
Think back to that night
Your one hand resting on my thigh
As I sighed and stopped and blushed and bit my lip and said
“I don’t usually do this sort of thing”
And didn’t mean it
Because although you smirked
You pulled back and said
“Do you want to?”
And I said
“Yes!”
And for the first time I meant it

You see I’d been led to believe that my sexuality didn’tt belong to me
That it was a tool
To be used
By boys like you
Broken and bruised
And I’d said yes before and at the time it had felt like I meant it
But looking back now without the rose tinted spectacles of my youth
I could see the red flags
I could see that yes hadn’t always meant Yes
Yes had been a metaphor
For Something so much more, yes had meant
If it will make you like me
Isn’t that what you do when someones tells you they love you?
If you stop sending dick pics to my friends then yes
Yes had meant
What other choice do I have
I can’t say no from underneath your hand
If you’ll just stop hurting me than yes
But with you yes means yes
It meant
Yes please
Touch me immediately
I’ve spent all night thinking how it might feel for you to fuck me
So yes
And it would be the same for all the guys who
Came
After you
Yes only ever meant yes
And when I meant “no” I said
No
or
Fuck off
Or on one occasion
When no and fuck off ‘weren’t enough’
Shoved a guy off
And slapped him across the face
And that was the end of that friendship
You were the first time I said yes and meant it
But this didn’t belong to you
This epiphany belonged to me
And I wish I could find the switch
Wish I could write it down for other girls who’d been
Just like me
Lied to about their sexuality
Even though they’d roll their eyes and tell me they know exactly what they’re doing
I could say oh sweetie
When you look back on this without the rose tinted spectacles of your youth
When you see those red flags
Don’t blame yourself the way I did
Your sexuality is not a tool
It is only to be used
By you
and
For you
It is a precious flower for you to cultivate and grow
It is a beautiful gift so tie it neatly with a bow
And present it to
Whoever you want
Whenever you want
But only ever because you want