Me and The Beanstalk

I found a post from two years ago (thanks Facebook memories) about a documentary I watched where the doctor said “fight this like it’s someone else’s problem. I realised this had been the catalyst for one of the bravest things I ever did and so I had to write about it.

He said fight this like its someone else’s problem

He said be your own best advocate

A fairly innocuous statement

Maybe something everyone but me already knew

The best kept secret

And the person I was living with

Wanted me to get something else from it

Like maybe a cure so I’d stop being ill all the time

He felt like he’d traded his cow for it

So when all I came back with

Was this obvious well known phrase

He couldn’t contain his fury

I threw the magic seeds to the ground

It was true. I was an idiot.

But the seeds of what the doctor said had other ideas

As my tears of another failure and another argument fell upon them

They started to grow

He had wanted to stomp out the idea that

I was as worthy as anyone else

But this plant was hardy

Could have crumpled

Under the weight of his gaslighting

But instead it found roots

And I watched it grow

Less than 2 months later

The seed had become a giant beanstalk

That we had both ignored

Until I couldn’t ignore it any longer

It was scary

When I realised the beanstalk was mine to climb

When I realised it could only take the weight of one

It seems stupid now

But at the time

Staying in our crumbling castle

Was better than taking that leap of faith

Until it wasn’t

It seems stupid now

But at the time

I didn’t believe I had the strength to climb it

Until I did

One step at a time I climbed the beanstalk

That had grown from the seed

That I had stolen from the Doctor

Who said I had to take care of myself

It was just as hard to climb as I had imagined

While I could still see my castle I knew it would be easy to let go

Fall back into it like nothing had ever happened

But I owed myself more than that

I don’t know where I found the strength

I can’t tell you how to do it

I don’t sell magic beans

Because this journey wasn’t about anyone else but me

And so I climbed and I climbed and I climbed

Past traumas I wish I had forgotten

And identities I should never have left behind

Sometimes I’d lose my footing

And forget who it was I wanted it to be

Part of the journey was learning to forgive myself when that happened

Sometimes I’d stay on branches for a little longer than I should

Part of the journey was never being afraid to leave them behind

Sometimes I’d jump to the next branch before I was ready

Part of the journey was realising there was always going to be more branches to climb but I could sit and catch my breath a while

It was the most tiring climb I ever did

It was worth every broken part of me

And if I never stop climbing it because I’m embracing myself