One Final Embarrassing Confession for 2018

I’m doing a little year review because I have loads of plans for tomorrow and will likely not have time. And what a year it has been!

I’ve had 3 amazing jobs and 2 homes. I’ve had countless awful dates and some exceptional. I’ve had my heart broken and I’ve put effort into healing it and been rewarded for that. I’ve grown closer to my friends and learnt how to distance family that I don’t need.

My embarrassing confession is that this year I set myself a very cheesy New Years Revolution based on a Dr Who quote 🤦🏻‍♀.

The last words of Capaldis Doctor were: Run Fast, Laugh Hard and always Be Kind. These are the goals I set myself.

Run Fast - this wasn’t actually about running to me. To me this was just about pushing myself that extra step to acheive what I wanted. Taking chances I might not usually take. Doing my best to excel at things. I went on solo adventures to the Lake District, Romania, London and plenty more local nature places. I did a swimathon and raised over £100 for cancer research, despite getting my period in my last week of training. I joined a writing class and wrote a full length play and got to see a scene of it performed. I applied for jobs I wasnt sure I was good enough for and I got them. Daily I made decisions to do things that pushed me physically and emotionally.

Laugh Hard - with a cocktail of mental and physical health problems it can be easy to be negative and close yourself off from joy. It sometimes feels safer to do this. I never want to do something thats safe at the expense of something that is real. I opened myself to the lighter side of life, embraced the humorous and stopped taking things so seriously. I tried to bring positivity to things and smile as much as I could. It wasnt always easy and I still cried a lot but I also laughed till I stopped breathing and brought joy to other people too. Over summer when I was meeting new people regularly because of my job I got called bubbly by someone new every week for about 3 months 😂. And I hate the word bubbly but it was true! I remembered how I used to be this very vibrant person and I love making people laugh.

Be Kind - not just to other people but, most importantly to myself. I have always been excessively hard on myself. I had already mainly decided this had to stop half way through 2017 but I made it an actual goal for 2018. Being kind to myself sometimes meant doing things that made others unhappy. I am not solely responsible for anyone else’s happiness, regardless of my relationship to them. And no-one else is responsible for my happiness except me. So this one was the hardest. I’ve pushed myself before, I’ve been positive and funny before but this goal meant doing something I had actively avoided for as long as I could remember. It is a continued goal and I still find myself falling back into old habits. But I’ve made progress. I am getting better at it.

This is something I have yet to tell anyone but I’ve recently made the decision to find a decent therapist and go back to having regular counselling. Making sure I am the best and most well person I can be is an ongoing process. I don’t think it is possible to ever just be ok or done with growing. I don’t know if I want to be part of a world where I can’t grow or learn new things. Having a chronic illness is hard and something I am still not accustomed to, even as I reach a decade since my diagnosis. The world feels mean and the grief around and within me is unbearable, so I just don’t think about it. Every year feels like a rollercoaster of good and bad. But I can safely say that as of now this year has been truly personally amazing. I am so grateful for the people I have met, whether or not they are still with me. I am grateful for the friends and family who have stood beside me and made my life worthwhile. I am even grateful for the absolute cunts I’ve met this year and previously who’ve taught me important lessons not just in how to value people but also in who I want to be. I can’t wait for 2019 because I know I’ve got this.

And if you’re reading this and you’re not at that place of healing, please please keep going. It sucks. Healing is the hardest thing you will ever do. The version of you right now might die. It is necessarily for the best version of you to exist. I am so proud of you. Happy new year 💛